Loneliness, depression, stress.
That’s all I can feel. Does happiness exist? I see it in others occasionally. I feel it when I’m high or drunk, does that count. I have always sacrificed my happiness for others, I have a need to please. I don’t even know how to create my own happiness. Yes, I have moments of happiness, but I want to wake up every morning happy. Is that even possible? How is it possible to feel this alone? I have found the love of my life, I live with him and his family. I have no friends or family in Florida. Just him and his family. He works overnights so I go to sleep alone, wake up alone and than sit at home with his son all day while he sleeps alone. I never leave the house unless its to run errands so maybe for an hour. I’m going stir crazy and I have no friends to hangout with. I have never felt loneliness to the extent I do now. It’s tearing me apart inside and I’m trying to hold it together, act like I am ok but I’m not. I’m not sure why I feel the need to put this mask on my face and act like nothing’s wrong. That’s the addict in me. Hiding my pain, hiding the truth, not wanting anyone to see the truth. I’m depressed, I feel like I can’t move forward with my life. How can I help myself when I’m too busy helping everyone else. Yes, my boyfriend helps me with doctors app. But I’m watching his son and his nephew for half of what I would make working those same amount of hours. I want my own place. I love my boyfriends mom, but I hate living with parents. My mom got rid of my car, my family won’t help me because they are tired. Tired of helping my mom for 20 years. I have so many things to do to move forward, I’m so far behind I feel stuck. Like there’s no where for me to move. I’m stressed between everything going on in my life and my boyfriends I’m surprised my hair isn’t turning grey. I hope this second baby is not his. I honestly don’t know how I am going to feel if he is. Will it change my feelings? I feel guilty that I feel like this. Guilty that I’m not happier, I have such an amazing boyfriend and my depression is pushing him away. I’m not really sure why he is with me. I have nothing to offer, nothing great about me and now I’m turning into this depressed, moody, lonely person. Sometimes I feel like he stays with me because he feels bad for me, he feels stuck, he feels like I won’t be ok without him or his family. To be honest, I wouldn’t be ok without them. I would kill myself with numbness.

Its real.

I’ve never been the type to dream of fairy tales, I never believed in soul mates, love at first sight, none of that. I have never dreamed of having a wedding or being married with a family. I’ve been in relationships, I’ve fallen in love but something never felt quite right. The more I searched for what was missing it seemed the further I got. 

Now before I go further into explaining let me break this down real quick.

{I am now 21, I was born and raised in Missouri. At 14 I moved to Florida and started my freshman year, went to high school in Florida and after graduation moved back up north. All through high school I had a crush on ONE boy named Kyle, barely ever talked to him. Never saw him after graduation, My dad died and I started using drugs. I hated myself so much I attempted to kill myself. }

The day after failing to commit suicide, like I had failed at everything else my entire life. I got a friend request from Kyle online. (What are the chances). He changed my life in 2 weeks, in 2 weeks he saved me. I wanted to get sober, I wanted to live, I wanted to get married, have a family. Everything in my body was telling me to move back to Florida, everything in my body was telling me, that this was a sign from god, HE, was a sign from god. So after just 2 short weeks of getting to know this guy, who I had “known” all through high school but never spoke with I moved back to Florida. It was when he picked me up from the airport, that’s exactly when it happened.

LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

It happened and it’s really not something I could ever put into words, you will never understand until you experience it. All I know is in that moment when I saw him in the airport, I knew he was going to be a huge impact on my life, I knew I loved him and was always going to love him, I knew that this was real, and I knew that whatever I had felt in the past was NOT love because it was nothing like this. It was a moment of clarity, a moment of knowing EXACTLY where I was going in life. I feel more connected with him than I’ve felt with anyone in my entire life, I cannot imagine my life without him.

THAT…is love at first sight my friends. 

                                            A blast from your past
                                                               May be good in some cases 
                                            But for me it consists of
                                                                 dope and police chases 

                                           ”Flying high” for one person

One day when I was young
I heard a knock at my door
It sounded familiar
like I had heard it before.

I opened the door
and to my surprise
There stood a young lady
with white hair and black eyes.

He’s an addict. He’s in pain. He’s silent. He’s screaming for help at the top of his lungs. Im an addict. Trying to get clean. I cant make him get clean. I can’t help him. Im watching him. Struggle. Fight. Destroy himself. In a process of trying to find himself. He’s amazing. He’s smart. He’s kind. So much potential. He thinks he’s a failure. A loser. A junkie. I see a boy. Who’s lost. Alone. Depressed. He needs help. I love him. Its killing me. Im screaming at the top of my lungs. Im silent. I dont know what to do.

To explain to you how I feel,

Where would I even begin.

You came into my life at the wrong time,

but I don’t want to let you go.

Your the bright light in this dark, twisted world world of mine.

Your my anchor, when the waves are crashing into my ship.

We’re doomed,

We’re a mess.

Drug addicts holding onto the last bit of good we both see in each other.

Its sick really.

We both need help,

looking at each other as a piece of strength to get better.

When we both can’t even help ourselves.

At some point you will walk out, just like the rest.

Leave me, without one word of explanation.

I will be alone again, with nothing left but a bunch of painful memories.

This is tragic.

       At the age of 20, I find my mind consumed with this question. Trying to breakdown “life” into one easy problem, find the solution and figure out what im supposed to be doing with my life. Mahatma Gandhi once said “Almost everything you do will seem insignificant, but it is important that you do it.”  My whole life has been nothing but insignificant, I don’t feel one bit is important. What if I don’t want my life to be insignificant? How do I make it something, when I don’t even know what I want to do with my life, I don’t even know how to properly live my life….

I am 20 years old and I am an alcoholic and an addict, thats who I am and I probably won’t ever change as much as I would like to. Some of my friends call me the Gypsy, because I move ALOT, I call it commitment issues. I cant commit to a person, a job, a place to live. Im in decisive. I make rash decisions before really thinking them out. I care to much about people I shouldn’t. I dont care enough for people I should. I have a wall built up, a fortress around my heart as I like to call it.  Im an alcoholic, Im a drug addict. Whether I go with or without, I always will be. Im scared, scared of alot of things. Im scared of dying alone. Im scared of getting alzheimers, like the rest of the women in my family, and dying not even knowing the life I lived. Im scared of dying of a heroin overdose like my father, but not scared enough to quit. Im scared I will never be loved. What a dumb fear, seeing as I push away every opportunity away for me to possibly find it, I sabatage everything. Not just in relationships, whenever I got something going good for me, I ruin it. I dont really think there is one positive thing I have to say about myself. I think about getting high all day, everyday and I will do whatever it takes. Even though It consumes my mind. I use people, I ditch them, I lie to them. People tell me on a daily basis how pretty I am, what nobody sees is how ugly I really am. I will probably die of an overdose, I will probably die crazy and I will probably die alone. I will probably die with no friends and I will probably die just as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside. I wish I was different, I really do.