Loneliness, depression, stress.
That’s all I can feel. Does happiness exist? I see it in others occasionally. I feel it when I’m high or drunk, does that count. I have always sacrificed my happiness for others, I have a need to please. I don’t even know how to create my own happiness. Yes, I have moments of happiness, but I want to wake up every morning happy. Is that even possible? How is it possible to feel this alone? I have found the love of my life, I live with him and his family. I have no friends or family in Florida. Just him and his family. He works overnights so I go to sleep alone, wake up alone and than sit at home with his son all day while he sleeps alone. I never leave the house unless its to run errands so maybe for an hour. I’m going stir crazy and I have no friends to hangout with. I have never felt loneliness to the extent I do now. It’s tearing me apart inside and I’m trying to hold it together, act like I am ok but I’m not. I’m not sure why I feel the need to put this mask on my face and act like nothing’s wrong. That’s the addict in me. Hiding my pain, hiding the truth, not wanting anyone to see the truth. I’m depressed, I feel like I can’t move forward with my life. How can I help myself when I’m too busy helping everyone else. Yes, my boyfriend helps me with doctors app. But I’m watching his son and his nephew for half of what I would make working those same amount of hours. I want my own place. I love my boyfriends mom, but I hate living with parents. My mom got rid of my car, my family won’t help me because they are tired. Tired of helping my mom for 20 years. I have so many things to do to move forward, I’m so far behind I feel stuck. Like there’s no where for me to move. I’m stressed between everything going on in my life and my boyfriends I’m surprised my hair isn’t turning grey. I hope this second baby is not his. I honestly don’t know how I am going to feel if he is. Will it change my feelings? I feel guilty that I feel like this. Guilty that I’m not happier, I have such an amazing boyfriend and my depression is pushing him away. I’m not really sure why he is with me. I have nothing to offer, nothing great about me and now I’m turning into this depressed, moody, lonely person. Sometimes I feel like he stays with me because he feels bad for me, he feels stuck, he feels like I won’t be ok without him or his family. To be honest, I wouldn’t be ok without them. I would kill myself with numbness.